Tycoon Women Moments: My moment of darkest despair

My next moment is my Moment of Darkest Despair, which is always the 4 moment to be discussed so that is sandwiched between the positive experiences

Moments of darkest despair

These moments are associated with tragedy, loss and grief. This is not necessarily the loss of a person; it could be the loss of an opportunity, income, status, self belief etc

I know that my moment of darkest despair has to be the loss of my son Peter, who was stillborn. I wasn't sure that I really wanted to talk about this because I couldn’t for so long and so I didn’t for many years.

However, if I'm honest this is my darkest moments and so it's fitting that I include it.

I remember feeling full of guilt, full of regret and full of loss. I cried for so long and replayed the events leading up to that day over and over again as if by doing this I could somehow change the outcome. Every time I re played it, I would change something slightly, a minor detail and hope that the outcome come would be different.

Obviously it never was - this was real life, it wasn't a film that could be edited. I could not go back and change what had happened; but I kept doing it anyway. Until after I'd replayed every possible combination of events at least a thousand times, I realised that it was pointless - it was never going to be different. It had happened to me. It was horrible and it was unfair but it wasn't personal. It just was what it was.

In addition to guilt the other strong sense I recall was feeling like a failure. Not only had Life failed me, but in a strange way I also felt like I'd failed Life too; that I hadn't performed my biological duty as a mother and produced a healthy baby. As a result there was a time when I actively avoided coming into contact with other pregnant women because it felt as if I was going to contaminate them with my failure; and God forbid the same thing happened to them because of me.

I slowly began to realise that I needed to stop blaming myself and forgive myself and others so I could let go and move on. There was no sudden awakening, no sudden healing, it was gradual; a gradual process of forgiving myself and others and moving on.

When my husband and I had our son many years later I finally felt a sense of release. I'd done it. I had produced a healthy baby; I had performed my duty as a mother again.

The song that I have chosen to represent this moment is by Billie Holiday “God bless the Child”: A song of deep lament and regret by someone who shone brightly and burnt out before they really began.



If you have been affected by the loss of a child Sands is an organisation which can offer you support when your baby dies during pregnancy or after birth.