Rushing to be loved

Rushing, my biggest limiting behaviour (biggest and limiting sounds odd but you get my meaning) is rushing. I'm always rushing. I act as if time is about to run out at any moment. Rushing means I overwhelm myself. If you are thinking that this is about me learning to prioritise; I prioritise all the time. I only rush around doing tasks are of high priority. The issue is that having decided the order of priority, I schedule far too many high priority tasks into too small a timeframe.

Consequently, I rush about as if I have to get everything done yesterday because if I didn't it would be too late. Too late for what? Good question, so today I am going to dissect this once and for all to see if I can get to the bottom of it. The thing that first springs to mind is what is the limiting belief driving this behaviour. Perhaps it is I believe there isn't enough time, I won't get it all done. It could be part of it, but I think there's something else something deeper. A good way to get to the bottom of feelings is to check out what's sensation are going on in your body as you think about the issue. Right now I have a sensation at the front of my head and somewhere in my upper chest. Is difficult to describe exactly what the sensation feels like but it is unsettling. It's just below the feeling of panic. Is not quite panic but there is a similar feel to it. It feels similar to the moment in the park when you suddenly realise you can't see your child. Then you breathe deep, refocus your eyes and there they are. It reminds me of this feeling but it is in is no way as intense. More like a mild unease.

The next step is to ask both my head and my chest what it is they want. While this might sound silly, the practice of integrating disparate parts into your being is a tried and proven technique in NLP.

Strangely enough the moment I asked my head this question, the sensation shifted down from my chest and into my gut and then subsided. Clearly something is going on within me that is afraid to be seen, that doesn't want to let go of its control. The part of me which seems to be driving my rushing clearly has my best interest at heart and so perhaps if I can find out what it wants and convinced it that this can be provided equally well by another form of behaviour, may be it might relax and let go.

The more I think about it, the more I feel it has something to do with fear- the fear of failing or not achieving. I rush because I don't want to fail. I don't want to be seen as a failure. If I'm a failure I won't be good enough and if I'm not good enough no one will love me and I want to be loved. Yes that's it I'm trying to earn my way into love, into been accepted by adapting my behaviour to that which I have imagined and made up is what makes you lovable.

Now I know that you can't make people love you. It’s not possible. It's like trying to make people happy. Again not possible; in both cases you can change moods, elicit responses that give the impression that you have made others happy or made them love you. Unfortunately this is an illusion. Love and happiness are reliant on you welcoming them in. That is you choose to express love and you choose to be happy.

We all want to be loved and we all want to be happy and create happiness. To love and be happy are positive healing emotions. The opposite, to hate and destroy happiness is unsustainable. Eventually you will have destroyed everything including yourself and if not, chances are your actions will have created someone who will be out to destroy you and eventually will.

Clearly love is an important element of my value system and therefore it is important to me to feel loved. Which would explain why I find myself rushing around: I have constructed a belief that says if I fail I won't be loved and not completing all your tasks is failure.

The question is: now that I have identified this pattern, is there any positive reason to continue to hold this belief or to continue with this behaviour? Clearly the answer must be No. Which means the next step would be to practice not rushing. Taking the time I need to do what needs to be done. Therefore I need to be much more realistic about what is achievable. One way to do this would be to give myself 50% more time for each task than I initially believe is required. That way if I finish early it will be a plus and I can celebrate a mini success. (Remember to celebrate your mini successes – I guarantee that you will be beating yourself up for every "failure" or things that haven't gone the way you wanted; so bringing back some balance by acknowledging your mini successes).

Another thing I could do is set a limit on the number of tasks I have on my list and make this a really low number. I could also categorise tasks in terms of: life or death (i.e. if they don’t get done the world ends), great if they get done and could be done later (similar to the Frankin Covey system). A great day would be if I got the life and death things done. I'll let you know how I get on.

Do you have any limiting beliefs, that is do you hold things to be true that prevent you achieving or doing the things you want? If you are not able to do this exercise for yourself a good way to overcome limiting beliefs is to work with a coach to help you identify what they are and a strategy for doing things differently.

Please share your comments and experiences so others can learn and benefit from them.

 

image: London, Liverpool Street by vegadsl