My fight with God

Today I hit meltdown. The last couple of days I’d notice that I was getting angrier and angrier. This morning I erupted and found myself having a huge tantrum.  The sort where you swear and shout at everything in creation - and I mean everything!

Although I’d got up in plenty of time to get to my appointment, I fuffed about and ended up leaving later than I planned and so decided to take the car rather than public transport. Bad move. As I proceeded at a snail’s pace I felt my temper rise.  I wanted to ram all the slow drivers in front of me. Mow down the pedestrians who took too long to get across the road and use a baseball bat to smash every single traffic light from here to Edgware Road, Colindale.  Not Edgware Road WC 1, which is where I had mistakenly gone to instead and so ended up being over 40 minutes late for my training because I was stuck in traffic.  Kilburn High Road!  Anyone who knows London well knows that this is code for:

 "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh!  Give me strength.  Isn't this supposed to be a road and if it's a road isn't the idea that traffic moves along it.  I mean...  Along it AND moves.  Two things that need to happen in a coordinated way.  Movement and along.  Along means I am getting somewhere.  Travelling forward! ALONG ALONG!”

I must have looked completely deranged shouting, screaming, tears running down my face, as I drove along in my sound proof enclosure. Correction: as I inched forward a millimetre at a time.

Wow was I cross.  I was so cross and angry, I curse God!  Yes I admit it.  I yelled at God.  I told God to get lost and leave me alone (the polite version).  God just laughed and opened Her wide arms and embraced me. 

I wasn’t going to be won over that easily – No way!  God had screwed with my life. I’d been putting up with it for months and now I’d had enough.  I struggled and kicked, shouted lots of rude words and cried.  How I cried. But God just held me tighter and smiled. God kissed my cheek, then carefully wiped away my tears.

"You don't love me" I yelled 

“Get off leave me alone, I hate you”

God kept smiling and holding me tight and slowly my anger melted into the boundless love and I was still.  I cried more tears, this time in relief.  My head ached and God offered me a drink.

"How could you doubt that I love you?  Don't you know you bring me joy? 

Don't you know my heart sings when you smile? Don't you know that my completeness is expressed through you? 

Daughter of the Earth let me show you a world of love that never ends.  There is nothing you can do to move beyond its realm, for it is in all things, in all places.  It is all there is.”

It’s difficult not to take things personally when it looks and feels like the world has ganged up against you. How do you get back into balance if you lose it? What words of comfort, thoughts actions do you use to ground yourself again?  I look forward to reading your thoughts and comments.