Generations apart

Are you one of those people who engages their mouth before their brain has had an opportunity to fully evaluate what they about say against the "are you going to hurt someone's feelings" KPI's (key performance indicators)

Unfortunately this seems to be a particular problem of the senior generation- the majority of people born post 1935 to the early baby boomers, i.e. people 60+.  I think it's because they were treated that way. The senior generation was reared on the principle that young people have less rights and less to say than their elders.  This was a continuation of the “children should be seen and not heard” philosophy of Victorians.  So elders could say anything they liked to young people, treat them anyway they wanted, and it was okay because they were young and so did not have any feelings or opinions or if they did then they needed to be toughened up for the real world.

If the older generation are insensitive to the feelings of the young, then the younger generation are guilty of being what I call "extreme responders”.  They go from like to hate in a single jump and it appears that forgiveness is not on the cards at all.  It is akin to sitting in the UN and watching every difference or disagreement between nations result in somebody pressing the MAD (mutually assured destruction) button.

The young and by this I mean the under 30s, seem to lack all appeasement skills or the capacity to give someone the benefit of the doubt.  At one end we have the old and insensitive at the other the young and intolerant and in the middle are the late baby boomers and generation X, the people born in the 40 years between 1960 and 1980.  This is my peer group; the children of the former and the parents of the latter.

I think it's because we were subjected to the "your feelings don't matter" ethos of our parents we responded by making a 180° turn and told our children that their feelings are all that matters.  The prevailing ethos appears to be: You are number one; you have rights and no responsibilities.  No one can tell you to do what you don't like or make you do what you don't want.  If someone upsets you they are bad.  You do what makes you happy, it is important that you are happy, nothing else matters. 

The result seems to be two generations that younger people have become distant from.  The seniors because they are old and grumpy and don't understand young peoples’ feelings. The parents because by telling their children that they were all important, their children interpreted this to mean nothing their parents said was important or mattered.  Therefore, young people don’t have to do what their parents’ generation says, if they don't want to!

I also think it's responsible for the lack of appeasement skills among the under 30s.  If no one matters other than you, why should you worry about how other people feel or how to stay in relationship with them?  Whenever I talk to young people, I am always amazed at just how unforgiving they are of others transgressions.  Relationships seem to be disposable.  If someone does something you don't like, at best don't speak to them again, at worst killed them! 

I've lost count of the number of hours I have spent trying to persuade one or other of my children that it is possible to forgive and still be friends with someone they have known and liked for many years until the moment they upset them.  We are not talking “run off with my wife or emptied my bank account” here; it's normally something like I don't like what they posted on Facebook!  

The common thread seems to be a disregard for how people experience us. I feel it is time that our number one priority becomes how people experience us.  Every time we are about to speak or act we should be asking two questions: is it good for all and does it cause harm?

Now before you go asserting that nothing is good for all, that's my point.  This has not been something we have ever tried to aspire to.  We are usually satisfied with it being good for the few holding the big stick, or at best good for the vocal minority and perhaps once in a while good for the majority.  We never seem to aim for good for all?  How can something be good for all?  It just doesn't work – Well maybe not, but we could at least ask the question and evaluate the answer more equitably.  The second test could then act as a safety net. If it wasn't possible to make something good for all, how can we ensure that it did not cause long-term harm to others?  Short-term dis-benefits would not be classified as harm, but something that never improves or gets continually worse with no end in sight should be regarded as harmful. 

It's very easy to speak without taking people's feelings into account and it’s even easier to only take your own feelings into account and not worry about anyone else's.   I have to admit that I can be as guilty as the next person, even though I consciously try not to be insensitive and create upset.  Sometimes my brain is going so fast that the words have tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. 

 

With all the discussion now taking place about how to mend society, maybe is not as difficult as we are making out.  Perhaps it simply starts with an intention to ensure whatever we do is good for all and causes no harm.

Is “good for all” possible or just a pipe dream? Please share your thoughts I look forward to reading them.  

Image: Vase by Suat Eman