Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Day 39: today is the anniversary of my sister's death.  My sister who was eight days short of a calendar year older than I me, tragically drowned 43 years ago today.  I was actually with her when it happened.  I remember being totally confused by the idea of dying when I was younger.  For some reason I thought that ordinary people, i.e. people who were not on the TV did not die.  I really don't know how I came to this conclusion, perhaps it was because the only time I heard of people dying it was when it was reported on the TV.  I have never seen anyone I knew on TV and so, I thought the only really famous or special people got to be on TV and therefore only really famous or special people died. 

Consequently, when my sister died it was a huge shock in more ways than one.  My whole map of the world was destroyed forever.  Before she died I wasn't afraid of anything and I felt invulnerable because folks like us didn't die.  Now I felt not only vulnerable but unsafe.  Death could claim me at any moment.  Therefore I was going to have to be extremely careful and make sure I didn't do anything likely to cause my demise.  When I was seven, therapy for traumatised children was not on the agenda.  No one talked to me about how I felt or how I was making sense of it all.  Indeed, I think the perceived wisdom was "least said soonest mended", i.e. if you don’t dwell on it you will get over it faster.

The main legacy of my experience has been to be extremely cautious and unadventurous.  An attitude reinforced by my mother, who understandably became extremely paranoid that something terrible will happen to the rest of us, so never let us do anything which he perceived as dangerous.  During the remainder of my primary school years schools trips that involved climbing, swimming, sailing, skiing, indeed any activity that involves water, heights or speed were a definite no-no.   

Eventually my mother compromise and agreed that I could go on the trips provide I didn't participate in any of the offending activities.  Once I got to secondary school things became more relaxed.  This was partly because I learnt to be extremely “conservative” in terms of my descriptions of what was involved in the school trips and also because I got physically bigger and therefore better able to deal with “threats” independently. 

The biggest drawback has been my reluctance to travel independently or go off the tourist route.  Whilst friends and even my younger siblings (all of whom were either too young to remember or weren't born when my sister died) were off trekking and backpacking around the world, I just about managed the package holiday to some beach resort and you wouldn't catch me doing the kite surfing, water skiing, snorkeling or anything else the least bit risky.

Now that I'm almost 50, I realise just how much life I've been missing by allowing my fear of, well "death" to dictate my actions.  So courtesy of my siblings, I've decided to go on an adventure holiday of a lifetime, by myself!  More over my siblings get to choose my holiday adventure so I can't even temper down the contents.

I am I'm still quite nervous about the idea, however, I am looking forward to being able to say “I did it” and the wonderful experience I will have a long the way. I know that it is possible to put fear aside and do it anyway.  I've always hated roller coasters is with a passion: a combination of the rushing downhill at speed which causes that awful stomach sinking feeling and the height.  When I was in Spain several years ago (on a package holiday with the family) my husband and children, after two weeks of goading me, eventually persuaded me to get on what has to be the highest roller coaster in Europe -Dragon Khan. 

I was terrified; as I sat there clamped in tight, heading towards the heavens, I wondered what had possessed me to agree to tempting fate so openly - surely I would die.  But I didn't and more to the point it was exhilarating, horrendous, fabulous, terrifying all at the same time.  I enjoyed it so much that I got on it three more times in succession.  I learnt that if you don't get on the ride; you don't get the best experience. 

Life is really about experience, if you allow fear to put the brakes on the ride, you will get to the end; however, you will miss out on all the thrills and excitement. So, following in my Dragon Khan footsteps, I'm going to hold on and enjoy the ride.

Have you ever had to overcome your fears and do it anyway? What strategies did you use to get you moving? I look forward to reading your comments.