Just for Laughs

I am a hoarder! I confess I am a hoarder. I like to believe that I am actually very good at throwing things away. Unfortunately the truth is I'm just very good at storing them in out of the way places.

When I first moved into my house, there was space enough for everything. I even remember having so many empty cupboards that I could put tea towels in one draw and kitchen paper in another. However, in the 14 years that we've lived here, I have acquired more and more stuff.

The worst thing is that I live with a family of hoarders. Everyone in my house hoards everything. Naturally I've set myself up as the person who is always trying to keep the stuff at bay by throwing or giving (what I consider to be the family's surplus) things away, but it is a constant battle with my husband, my sons and my daughter to get them to get rid of stuff. I take it to the jumble sale and they buy it back! No seriously, they go there and buy it back.

So my house with ample space is now crammed full with stuff. The attic is full, the celler is full, the shed and my office a.k.a. the large room at the top of the house where we used to dump things, is also full, full of stuff. Books, boxes, collectors’ items from part works, you name it we've got it. I did have to draw a line at my husband keeping the plastic cellophane that wrapped his monthly Marvel comic complete with the unique cast iron figurine, (yes he was planning on keeping them!) but generally everyone keeps everything.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered I have similar habits in the cyber world. I happen to be going through my C drive looking for a particular file, when I accidentally uncovered a treasure trove of documents some of which were saved in 2002. Truth be told, I think that they only go this far back because three computers ago my hard drive died before I had discovered the invaluable art of backing up my system.

Anyway I found this file of jokes, which had me laughing out loud as I read them. So I thought I'd share them with you. I hope they bring a smile to your face or even a hearty laugh too.

All edited for political correctness - you can take the girl at the public sector but you can't take the public sector out of the girl.

Auto-mobile Acronyms

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW
Bought My Wife

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Fix It All the Time

FORD
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Gotta Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

Seriously!

A woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer. The cop asked to see the woman's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

A man calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'l take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man says, and hangs up.

A Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to get lost and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I f$** didn't"

The Gorilla

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

Dead Goldfish

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Diamond Ring

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Hoelzen diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Hoelzen."

K-9

Returning home from work, a woman was shocked to
find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned
the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered
at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

Young man vs God

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.

God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.

God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."

Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of your pennies?"

God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second."

Chicken and an Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls
over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

A Teenager

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it
true what Rita just told me ..... Babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear." Replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up, and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it
knock my teeth out?"

Blood Transfusion

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better... Just thought you'd like to know.

Miss Franny

A school headmaster had interviewed, and offered a job to a lady teacher called Miss Franny.
He was a bit concerned about introducing her to the whole school at assembly, in case he pronounced her name wrongly. So, all weekend, he kept repeating this reminder to himself - a woman's thing with an r in it, a woman's thing with an r in it, a woman's thing with an r in it, and so on.
Come Monday morning at assembly, the headmaster stands up in front of the whole school and says:
Good morning children, I'd like to introduce your new English teacher - Miss C$**t !

Implants and Viagra

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...

Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Guess What!

80-year-old Bessie bursts into the rest room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what
's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Teenage Daughters

Three men were talking about
their teenage daughters:
The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and
found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked".

The second says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I
didn't even know she drank".


Then the third speaks up. "Both of you have got nothing to worry
about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of
condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis".

What's your favourite joke ? do share...