Regaining the feminine balance

Today's Father's Day,  a day to celebrate fathers.  Father's Day was initially an American creation.  It was conceived by a woman called Sonora Dodd who wanted a way of honouring her father, who was a Civil War veteran. As she grew up she realise the sacrifices he had made and felt that a special day should be created to honour fathers , similar to Mother's Day .

It's said that she was inspired by a sermon she heard on Mother's Day in 1909. One year later in 1910 on her father's birthday, 19 June the first Father's Day was celebrated in Washington.

The practice has spread and is a regular celebration in the UK, Australia and New Zealand.

 

I don't know about you, but when I first heard of Father's Day I felt resentful.  I guess this was because we're socialised to pit our male energy against our female energy.  The rivalry between the sexes has been a constant battle as long as I can remember. 

The truth is that we all have both male and female energy and these energies are like two sides of the same coin.  One is not better than the other; they co-exist in balance in our natural true selves.  Because one is not more important than the other, we can only function at optimum when these energies are balanced.

The problem is that we have attributed different masculine and feminine characteristics to our physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual forms and in doing so we have judge one type of energy to be better than the other.

Whilst it is true that masculine and feminine energies have different characteristics, in order for an individual to reflect the best of their self and be truly authentic, these energies have to be in balance.  Masculine energy tends to be associated with how we are physically in the world, i.e. how we are outside.  Feminine energy is more a reflection of how we are inside, our personal traits, creativity, nurturing and introspection.

From a position of balance, we can choose to express either more or less of our feminine or masculine energy.  When we are out of balance, we can feel incomplete and disconnected with ourselves and the outer world.  This then becomes reflected in our relationships, in how we do our work, how we interact with other people and how we show up in the world. 

When we are in balance, our masculine and feminine energies are complementing each other and are in harmony.  We feel more connected more balanced, more at peace with ourselves and more connected to our inner, untarnished self and the rest of the world.

In the West, we encourage boys to be boys, (i.e. to be boisterous, adventurers, leaders, determined, ruthless, singularly focused and even selfish and aggressive), and girls to be girls, (i.e. soft, gentle, nurturing, caring sensitive, passive, submissive and even needy and helpless).  In other words, each gender is encouraged to allow one side of their inner energy to dominate. 

Unfortunately masculine energy without feminine energy to balance it can cause a person to become insensitive and emotionally closed, reckless, wasteful, overcritical, aggressive and even physically violent.  This isn't just applicable to men; women who are dominated by their masculine energy also show these characteristics. 

People who express too much masculine energy tend to be outwardly focused i.e. they find it difficult to connect to their inner  authentic self  or to truly connect to others because they lack the fluidity and sensitivity,  creativity and  introspection, supportiveness and nurturing that feminine energy brings.

In a similar vein, feminine energy without masculine energy to balance it, results in both men and women having a tendency towards being clingy,  too passive, too compliant, unable to make decisions, over dependent, superficial, and vulnerable to exploitation and abuse.  People who express too much feminine energy tend to be inwardly focused and often find it difficult to move forward in their life.  This is because they look inwards at their inner world and sometimes gets stuck there because of the lack of masculine energy to drive their actions towards achievement.

As you can see, what we need is balance.  If we look around us, what seems to be the dominant situation in the world today is a focus on masculine energy.  One only has to look at how much violence, grasping, trampling on people to get where you want to go, the me-me-want-it–all-want- it-now mentality and profit- over -people approach to business, to know that the scales have been to heavily tipped in favour of our masculine side.

Perhaps the reason why we've allow masculine energy to dominate, is because of the value judgements we place on male and female characteristics.  So a good place to start in terms of bringing back the balance is to examine and challenge these assumptions. 

The following short exercise looks at what assumptions we make and what feelings we have associated with the different characteristics of male and female and by implication masculine and feminine energy.

As its Father's Day we are going to do this exercise looking at the different ideas we have associated with motherhood and fatherhood. 

On a piece of paper draw a line down the middle, and on one side write “Fathers are...” and on the other side write “Mothers are...”

Then, starting with the side of your choice, list all the things that spring to mind to complete the sentence.  Try not to screen or edit what you're writing , just keep writing until you can write no more and then move on to the other side.

Have a look at what you've written.

Look at which statements are positive and which ones are negative.

How many appear on both sides?

What feelings do you experience when you read the statements?

What are your emotions? What are your judgements? Do you know where these have come from?

By looking at our statements in these ways we bring our awareness to our judgements about male and female and we become more aware of those which are false. Consequently, we begin to feel more comfortable with creating a better balance between our masculine and feminine energies. 

Our judgements reflect our inner thoughts about ourselves.  When we judge either masculine or feminine energy in a negative light, we shut off and closed doors to those parts of ourselves.  Worse still, we then amplify those parts of us that we feel are more positive.  Therefore it helps to look at where you are shut off to your masculine or feminine energy and the impact this may be having on your life.

In addition, our judgements are a reflection of our negative beliefs - things that we've come to hold true, but have the effect of limiting our actions and behaviour, which in turn limits our ability to live our lives to the full. 

An effective way to deal with negative beliefs or judgements is to challenge them and then look for new beliefs that we can practice to replace them.

Once you have reviewed all your statements in the exercise above, try to extract the negative belief that is underlying your attitude towards either your masculine or feminine energy.  Write your limiting belief down as a statement. Then ask yourself:

How does this belief or judgement limit you?

Where did this judgement or belief come from?

What evidence are you using to backup this belief or judgement?

What are you losing by continuing to believe this?

What does holding this belief or judgement enable you to have or do? 

What benefit does this belief or judgement give you?

If you absolutely knew that this belief or this judgement was incorrect, what would it change for you?

What evidence have you discounted in order to make it remain true for you?

What have you ignored so that you can continue to maintain your judgements about this issue?

When have you been wrong i.e. when has this belief not been true or when has this judgement been wrong?

What different beliefs or what different judgements can you make about how you perceive feminine or masculine energy?  (List as many as possible)

What specific belief would enable you to achieve more balance between your feminine and masculine energies?

How would having this alternative belief about your masculine and feminine energies affect your life?

In what ways could you put this new belief into practice?

Another way to balance your feminine and masculine aspects is to embody the qualities you notice you are missing, and tone down the ones that are overdone. For example, if you tend to be constantly busy and always on the go, if you find it difficult to sit still or shut your mind off even when things around you are quiet, most likely you have a lot of masculine energy.  To shift the balance, work on slowing down.  Include periods each day for  meditation, simply sitting quietly or even prayer  .  I know I have a tendency to be like this, so recently set my phone to alarm five times a day as a call for me to take 5 minutes out and sit quietly and meditate. Even though a lot of the time the alarm goes off and I am simply so busy that all I can do is just switch it off, it acts as a reminder to slow down. 

Alternatively, you could go for a slow walks or take up a relaxing form of yoga.  If none of these appeal to you, find out for yourself what gives you peace, quiet and stillness then use these things to bring more of these qualities into your life.

On the other hand, if you have a tendency to be overly nurturing or agreeable.  Or you find it difficult to put your needs first and so you tend to be meeting everyone else's needs to your detriment; you may have OD’d on your female energy.

If this is the case, you could do with a shot of male energy, so do something just for yourself, or practice making yourself unavailable at certain times of the day.  Another strategy would be to work with a coach so that they could help you set yourself some "YOU" goals and put in train a plan to achieve them.

So on the day that we remember fathers, let's celebrate both the masculine and feminine energy that creates the best fathers went it is in balance.  


Have you experienced an imbalance between your masculine and feminine energy, how have you regained your balance ? I'd love to read about your experiences. 

image: Man And Women Icon by Simon Howden